Summer I laid down, by you, & shared my frail light, you gave the dark to me.

Took an AFI road trip, finally. Taylor drove me, Shelby, & Andrew to Charlotte, NC for the show on March 13 (which is also the day STS came out 7 years ago, wow). We got a hotel & played Robot Unicorn Attack, watched youtube videos, & ate pizza. Watched God Killer, which Davey is in... I thought it was horrid! hahah.

We woke up early that morning, ate our "free" breakfast...makes me wish I had more of an appetite! So we went to Family Dollar & purchased children's umbrellas (I got Hannah Montana), because it was suppose to rain early that day. We went where the GPS told us, & we ended up behind a bus, that was orange, white & gray. It too went to where it told us, but it was definitely not where we were supposed to go. I was like *gasp* what if it's AFI!? They're lost too! & so we were lost, pissed, exhausted, trying to find the goddamn Filmore, for it to be right on the other side of the effin' street. It sounds less complicating than it was, trust me. Not to mention there was a St. Patrick's day parade going on! WTF. -_- Anyway, hour later, we got there. Saw that it was in fact AFI's bus. We should've just followed them. The boys were in & out of the bus. The girl at the front of the line, Christy, had the card game Apples To Apples. We all got in a circle & played for quite awhile. Making Davey, Adam, Hunter, & Javey cards. Guess couldn't have Jade without Davey. Haha. It was sooooo much fun. We got moved I don't know how many times into who knows how many different lines b/c the staff didn't know what the hell the DF was.

There was a horrible guy, who was shirtless, in leather pants, glittery blue eyeshadow, & a devil lock. Oh my... at first I thought nothing of it & was just like "He's expressing himself" ...until he made an ass out of himself by fake wrestling with people & talking like Christian Bale in Batman, acting like it was how he talked. He was nice, since he caught Hannah when she flew away down the line...buuuuut he was far too obnoxious to tolerate quietly. We heard them sound check, they played God Called In Sick Today, Sacrilege, Wave of Mutilation by The Pixies... & Hunter intended to tease me with the beginning bass line to Lower It. >_< While they were playing, I looked in one of the windows to the venue, which were curtained, & Smith was looking out. I waved like an idiot, he flipped me off, I flipped him off back & he laughed & disappeared. I was so happy. XDDD & no one else witnessed this but me! I wish someone else had saw just so I could be like "see, I'm telling the truth" ...Not like I'd lie in the first place. =P

Saw Lorra before the show! Took a pic together, chatted. Her Jade sig tattoo with the CL heart is to die for! Loooove it.


Anywho, then it started to rain, we huddled under our tiny umbrellas. D: ...everytime Hunter left with his girlfriend (I assume) It rained. When he came back, sun & all. At first it was a joke, then it happened like 2 other times. X] A boy came over from the other line & asked if the line we were in was the DF line, we said yeah & he was like "aw man...." & then he went back to the line he was in. As it was getting closer to the doors opening, we were thinking "aw man, we should ask him if he wants to cut us! D:" Before we could do that, he came up & was like "I'll give you guys 5 bucks-" & we said "forget that, get in here! D:" Haha so we tried to keep him dry with our tiny umbrellas. We regretted paying the extra money to get cute little umbrellas. We only kept his hair dry. & ourselves barely dry... -_-

Waiting was horrid, my feet hurt, I was wet. People around me smelled bad. Haha. The first band, Scarlet Grey, the singer was adorable & they were quite good. I actually enjoyed them, even for a band opening for AFI. (When you go to see AFI, you just want the other bands to hurry the eff up so AFI can get out there) ... But they were actually enjoyable. The Loved Ones came on next, at first they were pretty good...but they played... & played... & played O_O Made me wish Scarlet Grey played longer. Not so soon enough, AFI finally came out. Not opening with Torch Song, but with Medicate. It was a great set list, lots of pushing since we were right front & center, but didn't care much until crowd surfers started falling on my head. The girl behind me, I swear she was gonna start having a sezuire, she even almost fell to the ground, luckily Shelby, a guard, & me were there. I held her arm as the guard grabbed it & Shelby actually went down & picked her up.

After that, we got pushed more to the right. Crowd surfers aggrivating us even more, I punched a girl in the ass & Shelby bit some guys back. It was pretty funny, actually.


Anywho! Jade bent over like 3 times for us, it was fantastic. X] They played Wester! & The Interview again! =D Me & Taylor held hands & fangirled at the end. Shelby did too, she can't deny it. X]]] Jade's mannerisms are quite hard to ignore. I'm kinda sad that I barely saw Hunter during the show. The girl in front of me was taller...so I couldn't see. & for once, Hunter didn't move all around the stage like usual. =/



After the show, we went into the pouring rain without umbrellas, but it was quite a relief since we were hot as hell. We waited for them at the bus, only Hunter & Adam came out, but they came out pretty quickly, & right after they announced that they were the only ones coming out. Which was okay, we were gonna go ahead & leave anyway. So it was kinda good that they announced, made me feel not so bad about leaving before Jade & Davey. Sad I didn't get to see Jade again, but I got to hug & take a pic with Adam, & got Hunter's signature again. =]]

Definitely not a trip wasted. We then tiredly went to Waffle House, ate.. Taylor being half asleep, we decided to all pitch in for another hotel. We finally found one that had a room. I caught FMA Brotherhood just in time too, so I didn't have to miss it. I'm so glad they show it twice. =D So watched that, as I was waiting, I reached to pat down my hair & there was fucking gum in it. -_- I ripped it out of my hair ...then watched FMA then went to sleep. Woke up, then left.

All in all it was a fantastic road trip, I spent 80 bucks all together & it was absolutely worth it in every way. Just wish I had gotten something at the merch table. Too bad we're always too focused on getting in to see AFI & out to meet AFI. XDDD

I had so much fun! I love my friends. It was amazing. =DDD

When you blink do you only find the misery weighs down your eyes?

I'm grabbing this from memory since I can't keep much of a blog ever. I kept pretty updated with this one until things got a little less bad & more bad at the same time. November 24th I believe, is when I got a call from Caitlin, she didn't sound so good, & said "I've got to tell you something, it's important" ...scaring me shitless, making me worry about Taylor & what might be wrong... I was so worried for her safety. No, but just as bad news filled my ears. "Taylor's dad died last night." ... I couldn't comprehend her words, my legs went weak, my voice broke & I asked "What?!" as if I heard her wrong. But I heard her clearly. I asked how, she said of a heart attack. It has to be the worst news I've ever received in my life so far. It was. I was lucky enough to have seen him Halloween night. Him, always poking fun at my lipring, & AFI. It was all in good laughs, because he was probably the greatest guy I've had the pleasure to meet... No, he is & probably will be the last. Apparently Robin & Taylor's Nana came probably only 20 mins after I got off the phone with her ...giving her the news. I was so scared for her, I could care less of my own emotions. I was terrified. I kept picturing in my mind, how happy of a person she is... & for the person she loves most to be ripped away from her... I was scared I wouldn't see her smile again in the same way... or any of that, really... I'm glad I was wrong.

She called me. We talked... it was hard at first. Then we talked about how silly he was. I took out my lip ring, deeming it stupid. X'] I went to the funeral with Caitlin. It was hard to see her, I was shaking...but she was smiling. The funeral had to be the most unexpected thing, really. The funniest funeral you could attend, so many great stories of him. Hilarious ones. Him being the jokster he was, the stories were never dull & always filled with either great kindness or infinite humor. I felt like I cried more than anyone at the funeral because I didn't have a chance to express my sadness, not even on my own time. When I went around hugging everyone, I tried to spill my heart & be as bold as I could doing so. Just putting it out there, that my image of a father was nothing of Taylor's father, Ron. All the father's that I've met in my life, were dull, lifeless even...compared to him. Seeing a man love his children the way he did, baffled me. So that's what it's like. Hm. I made Taylor cry.. =/ I felt bad, but at the same time, I was relieved.




I'm glad Taylor is the same Taylor, after all. Though I know she's changed, it's not a front she's putting on when she smiles or laughs. I'm so glad for that... Truly.


RIP Ron Morgan. <3
You'll be missed dearly.

But The Sweet Smoke Came With Mirrors

I haven't posted in forever. I guess in a way, I started over. Good & Bad. But, I'm going to look forward because screw that, I had a life changing experience!! I met them. AFI, I met them. I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal...but it totally is. To meet the four men that have made me into what I am & have moved me so greatly... It's amazing. Jessie & her mom met us up there & she gave me the drawing she drew me of Jade. She is an absolutely amazing artist. She makes everything so lifelike! I'm not going to go into too many details...but just know it was amazing & their show was breathtaking. I think it just keeps getting better. I can't believe they played The Interview. Me & Taylor were just like "AHHH" & hugged. I kept saying "this isn't happening" because I was in such shock. I'm so glad since we're in the DF we got to go in before everyone, therefore I found myself a place on the right side at the baracade. I gotta be right there at Jade, always. X]]]

Jessie took amazing pictures. I got good vids. =P

Adam is even more attractive in person. He's so good looking! & Hunter is just as hilarious as he is in his blogs/vids/everythinng. Haha. Jade's ADORABLE & way skinnier than in pics. Weird. Maybe he lost weight. Davey looked so itty bitty!! Skinny, wise. So frail looking, I guess. But very very nice. He signed Jessie's drawing with "Jade To The T" X] & Smith is way shorter than I imagined. Gives good hugs though. He looks like a lumberjack. But oddly sexy. X] Wish I had gotten a picture with all of them. Ah well. I'm happy.

I want to start over.

I plan to start over, since it is a new year, after all. We've just moved into our new house along with that. I plan to lose lots of weight, exercise, and clean my life up quite a bit. Get organized. Do something with myself. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.

I have a huge crush on Sammi & I can only hope it's mutual. Maybe it will go somewhere...maybe it won't. Whichever way it goes, I'm going to make my life work. No more trying, no more struggle... I just want it to WORK. Sounds good, but it's going to take a lot, I know it.

I'm still drifting from a lot of my friends and when I really think about it, maybe it's for the best. I'll miss them and I'll meet (maybe) some people that are worth being friends with. No more stuck up, two faced people like the newer friends I acquired and quickly disposed of.

Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass for no reason at all. *sigh*

The electric & cable are in my name at this house. Which means as long as my mom keeps the payments up I'll finally have some credit. I hope to go back to school..but if I don't, I want to find a job soon and get my license. I keep telling myself I'll do it eventually but I need to do something about it NOW.

I finally went to my second doctors visit, got more muscle relaxers, and then got xrays done. Hopefully those will show some fixable results. My back has been killing me non-stop...and to top it all off I think there's mold in the room I'm in right now. There's a faint but bad smell and it gives me one of the biggest headaches ever. Took some meds. Gonna take more when my mom gets home, I guess. She's finishing up packing the trailer and cleaning.

There's also ants here... those are driving me nuts. They're not just little ants either. They're bigger. About a half inch, I'd say. They scare the shit outta me for some reason and I don't think they're going for the ant traps. I hate this time of the year b/c of the ants. Ugh.

But hey, my room is big, we have lots of room, so for the most part, I'm not complaining. I just made a cake and washed some dishes, and I'm happy with it. I hope to get this place fixed up really nice. =P

Taylor's birthday is Wednesday. She'll finally be 18. It's kinda scary, I know...but she doesn't have to actually grow up. I know I'm refusing. Haha.

Blahblah enough of my chatychat.

<3

Consumed now by what you knew was poisonous, quenching your thirst for life.

I just had some nasty lemon cake. Now I have a huge stomach ache. Spent the weekend with Taylor. It was bitchin', of course. Hung out with her & Lindsey Saturday night. We pretty much sat around watching hilarious youtube videos and AFI stuff. Haha.

Stayed up kinda late due to talkage. Haha. I kept waking up early in the morning because the light. It's so weird to sleep in a room full of light when you're used to sleeping and waking up in pitch black. Got up, watched some cartoons, Just Friends, and House. Of course there's a House & a CSI marathon. Tuning into the CSI one now. At first, I was gonna leave before the superbowl...then Jeff called me back & said he'd go ahead and come get me. Apparently, "I'm more important than a football game" ...kay, pulled that one out your ass.

Some Superbowl commercials where 3D so Taylor's mom picked up some 3D glasses. We tuned in watched some chick totally blow the mic away when they played the star spangled banner. The Pittsburg Steelers & the Arizona Cardinals, naturally, I was rooting for Steelers. Pretty upsetting Philidelphia lost to Arizona. I really don't see how. It would've bene pretty bitchin' if 2 Pennsylvania teams went head to head.

Anyway, I was the only one rooting for Pittsburg. Until Paul established him switching sides around the end of 1st quarter. Haha. I don't know how the hell Arizona made it. They couldn't keep the ball, catch it, or hold it. Buuuuutter fingers. Plus, they were getting penalties left and right. The 3D commericals weren't that amazing. Halftime sucked, of course. I don't know where they've been pulling these superbowl acts. The Rolling Stones..kay, not that bad. They're just really old and about to croak. Then Bruce Springsteen. NOOOOOOOOOOO. WTF?! I just sat on the computer.

Jeff finally showed up. Came home. Grabbed a small bowl of rice & a veggie patty. Nowww TV. Pretty damn close to beating FFX. I'm excitedd. I'm kinda scared to beat it. Cuz what if X-2 sucks...or worse, what if it doesn't work!? O_o...then I got 12. Lameee battle system!

Anyway, going to switch back to House and amuse myself with his rude, sarcastic, sadistic humor. =]

<3

I don't know what I want but I know it is not you.

So I haven't blogged in quite awhile. Things got a lot worse. After some other things I was drinking about every night and partying all night with Jackie and Travis. Then after that stopped...I was being ignored, yet again. So me angry, Amanda also angry at Jackie... I told Amanda I was going to confront her, and I did. She said she just wanted to be left alone. And so I was like fine, I'll leave you alone. Then Travis is all like you guys love each other blahblah you're not sure of what you're doing. So I just told them I wanted my cd and Amanda wants her jacket.

Well... days went by, wasn't talking to her. Then I was talking to Jade on myspace. She asked me how was Travis and Jackie...and I told her "I'm currently not talking to her. I don't like the way she treats her friends. She talks big shit about Brittany then hangs out with her, wtf?" ...then she said that Travis was fucking Tori blahblah so I'm like "woah didn't know about Tori..that's fucked up" and then next thing I know Amanda's asking me why I'm talking about Jackie on Jade's myspace. ...and I asked her why she was asking and then she put on her status something about people need to keep other people's names out of their mouth where they don't belong. WTF!?

So I asked her about it and I said I was thinking about going back to Delaware where I belong because shit just kept piling up. She said shit wouldn't pile up if I didn't cause drama for myself. Again...wtf? ... so I'm freaking out, crying like a pussy and shit...then asking her wtf I did then she said I shouldn't be talking about people publicly blahblah and I texted Jackie saying shit was falling apart and she told me yeah stop talking to me, basically. She still has my Cexcells cd. I'm trying not to notice when I pull an AFI cd out. And it was the exclusive one from Hot Topic too...I can only imagine what has been done to it now. Or she uses that one now cuz hers skipped a lot. Mine, of course, was flawless. -_-

So again, more upsetness..I called Amanda twice, 2nd time I left her a message saying she wasn't there for me and she said she was in class and she said she was there for me. I have no idea 'till this day WTF was going on. All of a sudden her & Jackie are the bestest of friends again & she's hanging out with her friends. So her bday comes along, I'm not on her top friend list thingy on myspace & her gf was apparently "didn't like it" so she took it off. Niceeeee.

Then, I hung out with Lori & Jess, Meghan, and Amber Hughes... this week and it really made me realize who my true friends are. I can't believe I ever pushed them aside for people who could care less. Just like Sammi said, something happened to that generation to make most of them bullshitters and two faced. I'm through with wasting my good qualities on someone who could care less or are gonna turn around and talk crap about me. Or worse, ignore me because they've got better going on.



On top of all that, the day before Abby called me saying she's engauged... to a guy that's 34 (I think) ...which is old enough to be her father. So I don't approve and she flips out on me because I'm not happy for her. I'm not going to lie to my best friend and tell her false shit. Then she woke me up one night around 2am at walmart wanting to talk to me just b/c. Haha. She's like "I'm supposed to be mad at you! But I love you and I'm at walmart" XD Silly. Like she'd stay mad at me forever anywayz.

*sigh of relief* Now I'm back to a few months ago, basically. And it feels pretty great. I never thought I'd appreciate what a boring life I have until now. Haha. Plus, I'm hanging out with my friends more so that's a plus. Drank last night & didn't get sad like at all. Except missing Jeffrey hahaha. Haven't seen him in quite awhile and he's turning 21 next month! Woah! =]


Tonight Gracie might come by after work and do some shots with me. She's had a long week. Haha. She almost killed me last week. We went to see Underworld 3 with this guy Kevin she works with..he's pretty cool...I haven't even seen the other 2 but it was a prequel so I wasn't but so lost. It was pretty good, now I wanna see the others. Haha. Then Kevin drove us to her house. We drank some Jim Beam then passed out after watching Juno around 4am. She didn't really drink, I had a good buzz. Then woke up... got her up. I called my mom and ask her to pick me up whenever & so we talked & waited for her.

She called me confused where to go so after many, many given directions Amber decided she could take me to Richard Bland & my mom can get me there. She doesn't have a license or even a learners for that matter and she hadn't driven this SUV. So we get out into the road and she's like "WHY ISNT IT GOING ANYWHERE" and I'm freaking out already cuz it's one of those country roads where cars go really fast. No to mention I've been getting all these damn forward text messages saying "if you don't send this you're going to die in a car crash" WTF?! So we slowly move into one of her neighbors driveways...then called my mom telling her what happened then after even MORE confusing directions and her being in the REALLY bad parts of Petersburg... Amber tries to get out of the drive way. She successfully backed out and very roughly got back in her driveway. Haha. It was scary as hell even though we were going like 1mph. XD

My mom finallyyyy finds out she misread the directions and found us. Then I left. Haha. Funny shit, dude.

And with Amanda...idk how things are. She said we'll still hang out & stuff...but idk. She leaves me comments on myspace but when I ask if she wants to hang out she doesn't text me back or anything. Whatever. *shrug*

Tomorrow going over Taylor's house & staying the night. Haven't been over there in quite awhile, besides dropping her off. I'm excited. =]


Phewwwww! That was a lot.

<3

....

I gave in and now I'm being hurt.

Fantastic.

I don't want to really write about it all I have to say is I had the best day ever friday & saturday...then BAM ...explosion and I am suffering.

-_-