So much to say so little time.
Life is hell, but it can be worse. It can always be worse.
My crackhead step father is doing nothing but draining the family of their money... & now we just found out that he is having an affair. He thinks he can lie his way out of everything, it doesn't work. You have to have good memory to be a good liar.
I have no sympathy for my mother though. She got herself in the situation... She knew what he was cappible of this whole time. To using gas money for drugs to breaking her nose. She's so determined to leave now... but yet I don't trust her, still. It's too late to 'start over'.
Now, I'm old enough to cope with all this... & even when I was young I've been around it pretty much all my life, so I'm pretty much used to it... but to corrupt my little brother with all this is just too much. He doesn't deserve this. I know what it's like...but for his father to actually be there for him & killing himself for all to see is worse than what I had to go through.
All my life I've been so eager to become of age so I could get the hell out of all this... but now that my mom is trying to actually get us out of this...where are my plans going? & now I'm getting scared... terrified. I don't want to be on my own.. I don't want to be alone in the world with no one there to help me through & depend on. I'm so scared...
I don't want to go through what my mother is going through or what she has gone through...that's why I try to keep myself away from drugs. It's just so hard with where I live & who my friends are. I would never ask them to change themselves because I'm not comfortable though... just as they don't ask it of me. I distance myself, still. Which is fine, it's their health... not that I don't care about theirs... I just know what's best for me.
I am so agrivated with my mother though... I just don't listen to anything she ever says anymore... I feel like everything she says to me just goes in one ear & out the other just because I refuse to let this get to me.
I've thought about writing my father for Christmas. Although it might not get to him, it's worth a try. I wish he was here... even though he might not be that great. I don't understand why he wouldn't contact me or anything. I'm not worried about the reason, really. I just want to have him here now. Or see him now... I feel that I need him in my life... if not just some closure. You'd think that a father that seemed so loving would want to know how his first born child is... how she's grown... how her life has gone... If I had died he wouldn't have a clue. I just hope he hasn't done to himself what Jeff has done.
Today was interesting.. Ha wow. It was a good get away from all this...even if I have to come right back home to it. My head hurts so bad... =/ At least I have my friends. They get me through =] If I didn't have them, I would have nothing. I'm just glad I have a lot of something.
*sigh*
I just want to sleep. *yawn*
<3
Life is hell, but it can be worse. It can always be worse.
My crackhead step father is doing nothing but draining the family of their money... & now we just found out that he is having an affair. He thinks he can lie his way out of everything, it doesn't work. You have to have good memory to be a good liar.
I have no sympathy for my mother though. She got herself in the situation... She knew what he was cappible of this whole time. To using gas money for drugs to breaking her nose. She's so determined to leave now... but yet I don't trust her, still. It's too late to 'start over'.
Now, I'm old enough to cope with all this... & even when I was young I've been around it pretty much all my life, so I'm pretty much used to it... but to corrupt my little brother with all this is just too much. He doesn't deserve this. I know what it's like...but for his father to actually be there for him & killing himself for all to see is worse than what I had to go through.
All my life I've been so eager to become of age so I could get the hell out of all this... but now that my mom is trying to actually get us out of this...where are my plans going? & now I'm getting scared... terrified. I don't want to be on my own.. I don't want to be alone in the world with no one there to help me through & depend on. I'm so scared...
I don't want to go through what my mother is going through or what she has gone through...that's why I try to keep myself away from drugs. It's just so hard with where I live & who my friends are. I would never ask them to change themselves because I'm not comfortable though... just as they don't ask it of me. I distance myself, still. Which is fine, it's their health... not that I don't care about theirs... I just know what's best for me.
I am so agrivated with my mother though... I just don't listen to anything she ever says anymore... I feel like everything she says to me just goes in one ear & out the other just because I refuse to let this get to me.
I've thought about writing my father for Christmas. Although it might not get to him, it's worth a try. I wish he was here... even though he might not be that great. I don't understand why he wouldn't contact me or anything. I'm not worried about the reason, really. I just want to have him here now. Or see him now... I feel that I need him in my life... if not just some closure. You'd think that a father that seemed so loving would want to know how his first born child is... how she's grown... how her life has gone... If I had died he wouldn't have a clue. I just hope he hasn't done to himself what Jeff has done.
Today was interesting.. Ha wow. It was a good get away from all this...even if I have to come right back home to it. My head hurts so bad... =/ At least I have my friends. They get me through =] If I didn't have them, I would have nothing. I'm just glad I have a lot of something.
*sigh*
I just want to sleep. *yawn*
<3
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