Don't you just love how you're all that I ever think about? Out of everyone in this world, you never cease to leave my mind. It drives me insane. Is this obsession? Is this love? How can you differ the two? I want to know. I want to understand what the hell is wrong with me. Why does every little thing you do affect me? I try so hard to convince myself I'm over you. I try to convince myself I don't want you. I tell myself lies to get by.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy. I am happy. I'm happy you're even in my life. I couldn't deal without you. At least I don't want to. I told the truth when I said I could leave everything behind and move, but you... I couldn't just leave behind. I can find new awesome people...but you, there's no one like you. No one compares in any way.
Sometimes I want to talk about our feelings. What happened a few months ago. If there's still something between us... I'm scared to know the truth. Either way, it'll hurt. Was it just jealousy that made you want me back? I never knew you to be the one to count months, to hold onto little things... but you did with me, didn't you? You'd write me silly mushy love notes... Each month you'd call me & say happy anniversery... It couldn't be because of me. I'm not big on months.... but you know, I went along with whatever because we were happy. What happened?
Is it really your self hatred that brought this on? You call yourself a peice of shit for hurting me & yet you do nothing to cease this mess. Let's be honest, it can't be it. You should obviously see that I LOVE you. I could say that to anyone & it could have hardly any meaning... but you, it does. I love you. Each time we end a conversation, I want to say it. I say it online, I mean it. I'm not just saying bye.
I can hold it in. I can be strong for you, I can shut my fucking mouth and keep it all bottled inside. But what will become of us? You'll end up with some jerk & I'll want you to have better. Just like before... I want to spoil you. I want to tell you how much I love you. I want to buy you things even when it's my last five bucks. I don't care, it's for you. It'll make you happy. Why the hell do you think I do all I do for you? The little things matter to me... you can be so passive about them...but I have no other way to show you how much I care.
Am I not good enough and you just blame it upon yourself for me to think differently? I know I wasn't perfect. I know I'm not perfect. I tried to be better in the worst ways. It's hard to admit, I still do it. I go on starving periods. I can't help it... I'll feel sick just to eat and not to eat, it just feels better. Not to mention my self conciousness. It kills me.
You make me soooo fucking happy yet so sad. I guess I'm just happy you make me feel something.
UGH.
I hate this. I could go on forever with this... I just want all this hurt to stop. I want to know what's going on in that pretty little head of yours. I want it all.
Damn.
<3
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